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Richter: A call to Big Medicine

“Thank you for calling the Central Connecticut Great Big Health Care Group Corporate Entity System Thing, Division of Proctology. If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911. Para hablar en español, por favor apriete 1. If you are calling from a doctor’s office, please press 2. For prescription refills, please press 3. For driving directions to one of our offices, please press 4. To submit a financial statement, speak to one of our insurance specialists, take out a second mortgage or sign your house over to us, please press 5. To surrender and beg for mercy, please press 6. To learn more about the services we provide, please press 7 now, or ask one of our patient care coordinators for more information – if anyone ever picks up the phone. For all other calls, please stay on the line for further assistance. … We apologize for the delay. Your call is very important to us. Please continue to hold for the next available operator. … The Central Connecticut Great Big Health Care Group Corporate Entity System Thing is one of Connecticut’s largest primary care and surgical care groups, with more than 250 providers practicing in more than 30 specialty areas. In other words, who the hell do you think you’re dealing with, huh? … We apologize for the delay. Please continue to hold for the next available operator. … The Central Connecticut Great Big Health Care Group Corporate Entity System Thing maintains offices in approximately 50 locations throughout the area. In other words, we’re everywhere, so if you’re not satisfied with our service, you can go scratch, because we’re the only game in town – your town or any other town, for that matter. … Do we apologize for the delay? As if! But we say so anyway. Please continue to hold for the next available operator. … If you feel that the only reason you’re having to hold the phone so blankity-blank long and listen to our way-too-loud recorded high-pressure advertising messages over and over again so gosh-darn many times (with the annoying music, no less; a little ditty that’s as irritating as it is only because we hired the best psychological engineers money can buy to make it that way; a tune so irritating that every time it starts again, you find yourself saying “oh, no” under your breath) is precisely because the C.C.G.B. Health Care G.C.E.S.T. is such a behemoth, with more than 250 expensive providers practicing in more than 30 terrifying specialty areas, and that the C.C.G.B. Health Care G.C.E.S.T. maintains offices in approximately 50 convenient locations throughout the area but can’t be bothered to hire enough people to answer the damn phone when you call – then please continue to hold for the next available operator. … We apologize for the delay. Your call is very important – no, make that excruciatingly important – to us. It just isn’t important enough (translation: you’re not important enough) for us to spend a dime on improving our phone response time. … Please continue to hold for the next available operator. … And please remember that we’re the Central Connecticut Great Big Health Care Group Corporate Entity System Thing and you’re – well, you’re just little old you, after all, so whatever your real or imagined problem with us might allegedly be, we’ll win. Got that? Hello? Are you still there? We didn’t think so.

“Thank you for calling the Central Connecticut Great Big Health Care Group Corporate Entity System Thing. If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911. Para hablar en español, por favor apriete 1. If you …”

Reach Glenn Richter at grichter@record-journal.com.



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